How Mittens Learned His Lesson at Last

By Dan Hagen

Once, long ago, a boy named Willard Mitt Romney was raised in an insular, dogma-bound church that worshipped rich, white, male privilege. That made him think he was special.

That boy grew up to make a killing in the insular, greed-bound field of private equity capital — an industry that manufactured nothing, but congratulated itself for butchering the jobs of Americans and then feasting upon them. Yum, yum. And that made him think he was very special indeed.

He knew other people didn’t count, not really. He knew he could do whatever he wanted to other people, with no consequence to himself. He knew he was born to rule those other people, and was surprised that they could fail to see something so glaringly obvious. Those people must be awfully stupid and weak, he thought.

Then he ran for president of the United States, and learned he wasn’t special at all. Just a mean prick.